


I'd Rather Die In Your Arms

by LannisPuff



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bounty Hunters, Fix-It, Gen, Hurt Simon Lewis, M/M, Not Season/Series 02 Compliant, Post-Episode: s01e13 Morning Star, Post-Season/Series 01, Pre-Slash, Violence, sad simon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-10 17:24:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6997696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LannisPuff/pseuds/LannisPuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The world just keeps on hating Simon. To live with his own guilty conscience was hard enough, the bounty hunters was just making a bad situation even worse.<br/>---<br/>Raphael wanted to hate the traitor, wanted to go on without him and forget he was ever a part of the clan, but some things aren't as easy as they should be, and a clan always takes care of it's fledglings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is based on a dream I had last night, and I just had to write it. I'll post the second chapter in a couple of days. It ended up much darker than I first imagined but the second chapter will hopefully make up for it.
> 
> I have to put up a trigger warning for violence and injuries, there are several people ganging up on one and if this is triggering for you I ask you not to read this. Stay safe!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Simon walked alone on the empty streets of New York, it was late at night and he hadn’t seen another person for quite a while. That was what he wanted, he needed to be alone right now. No one back at the institute understood. Clary was so happy to have her mother back, to have her family together again, and Simon understood that, he was happy for her sake, but that didn’t change the fact that he had helped bring her family together at the price of him losing his own. The Shadowhunters didn’t understand that, they were happy about Jocelyn, sad and desperate about Jace disappearing, but they didn’t think anything about him having betrayed his clan. The ache was almost a physical thing in his chest, and more often than not it became too much for him to stay at the Institute and that’s why he walked alone at night. He also started to understand why there was so much tension between Shadowhunters and Downworlders, because the Shadowhunters really only saw their own problems. Simon understood that Clary had a lot on her mind at the moment, it was inevitable and he didn’t begrudge her that, but not once had she asked how he was doing. Sure, she had thanked him wholeheartedly for his help, but what was a thanks when he suddenly was all alone?

The New York Clan had really grown on him, he could hardly understand himself how they went from his jailers to his almost-family so fast. Now he missed them desperately, and worst of all was how it was all his own fault that he couldn’t go back. He kept imagining different scenarios where he had made another choice, or where he had spent more time trying to explain the situation the Raphael, the older vampire would certainly have understood and perhaps they could have solved it without Camille going free to continue causing mayhem. But it was all too late now, Simon remembered Raphael’s face when he realized what Simon had done, the anger, the hurt and the disappointment.

 

“Hello little bloodsucker”, Simon jumped in surprise, he hadn’t noticed anyone coming near him. Raphael would admonish him for that, a small voice whispered in his head, you have to use your senses, Simon, he would say.

“What do you want?” He asked, ignoring all other thoughts and focusing on the one who had spoken. When he focused he could definitely sense them, it was a werewolf. “Did Luke send you? Tell him I don’t need a babysitter, you can go back now”, Simon said dismissively, he wanted to wallow in his sorrows for a while longer.

“Oh, but Garroway didn’t send us”, the voice answered with a quiet chuckle. That’s when Simon noticed the others, there was at least seven other werewolves in the alley around him, some of them in human form and the rest in wolf shape.

“We don’t run with his Shadowhunter-loving pack”, another one sneered.

“Yes”, the first agreed. “But that is not the point here.”

“Okey, so what’s the point then?” Simon asked with false bravado, because he was painfully aware how outnumbered he was.

“The point, little fledgling, is that you have a bounty on your head and we are in need of money.” The dread Simon already felt grew in tenfold as he started to realize how screwed he really was. He needed to escape, but at the moment that seemed like a rather impossible feat. So, next best alternative, try to talk his way out.

“Are you really going to attack a member of the NY vampire Clan? Do you even realize what will happen with you when they find out?” That didn’t get the response he was hoping for, instead he heard a few chuckles from the werewolves around him. Simon elected to ignore it and bravely pressed forward. “And what about the Clave? I have Shadowhunter friends and they will definitely come after me!” Simon felt like he was grasping at straws, but it was all he could do.

“So you’re both a traitor and a liar, eh?” The first werewolf said and stepped forward, Simon took and instinctive step backwards but stopped when he heard growling behind him.

“I know for a fact that you are no longer part of the NY Clan, and I’m pretty sure the Clave have bigger problems than one lost little vampire.” Well, there went that plan.

“Who would even but a bounty on me?” He asked, because the situation probably couldn’t get any worse and he really wanted to know.

“More people than you would expect, the NY Clan, for one, but also Valentine himself. You should probably be proud that you’ve survived this far”. Simon was pretty sure that his chances of escaping this had just gone from single digits to fractions.

“Oh”, was all he could get out, because seriously, this was just too much.

 

The second he turned to run the wolves were over him. Simon screamed as powerful jaws closed around his right calf and a body slammed into him from the back. He might be a vampire but Simon wasn’t a fighter, his speed would have been his only chance of getting away but now it felt like a pretty worthless attempt. Still, he didn’t immediately fall down from the force of the hit so with a painful kick he manged to get his leg free and take a few more steps. Another wolf jumped towards him and Simon was almost proud of himself as he managed to land a hit on the side of its muzzle, but that moment ended quickly as a heavy fist connected with his own face. The next wolf managed to bury its teeth in his shoulder and when a strong kick hit his already injured leg Simon went down quickly. It was impossible for him to fight of this many werewolves at once and as soon as he hit the ground he knew it was over. That didn’t seem to register with the werewolves though, because they kept coming at him with teeth and heavy boots. The pain was worse than anything Simon had ever experienced and he quickly stopped struggling in hope of them stopping the abuse when they realized he wasn’t in a state to fight back.

It felt like forever before they stopped, but since Simon was still alive it couldn’t have been that long. Even if the kicks stopped connecting to his ribs and the strong jaws loosened their grip on his flesh the pain kept shooting through him in overwhelming waves. Simon whimpered and tried to curl himself together but his broken body wouldn’t move. The world around him was just a dark blur and even with his strong senses he couldn’t piece together what was happening around him. He heard small parts of the werewolves’ conversation but it didn’t make sense to him.

“..pays more”

“..less likely to kill us?”

“..wants him alive.”

“..as good as dead..”

 

Simon tried to stop feeling, to think of something else, of anything other than the pain screaming in his head. He would die. He would die without being able to tell Raphael how sorry he was. Even through the haze of pain and misery Simon hoped that the bounty hunters would give him to the Clan, at least there he would have a small chance of apologizing before he died, and Valentine would probably do experiments on him, or use him to get to Clary.

“Ple..s”, he tried his voice, it barely worked and the sound he made didn’t exactly sound like a word. “M s..ry”, it sounded just as bad this time. “Raph”, he wheezed out the name, and it finally sounded a little bit more like an actual word. “Raph. Home”. Tears made the broken skin on his face sting. “Sorry, just, wanna home, Raph, sorry.” He heard distant laughter and then a foot rolled him over on his back. A broken whine of pain forced itself out of his mouth.

“It seems this one made the choice for us”, a voice said and this time Simon could make out all the words but he didn’t really get the meaning behind them. He couldn’t open his eyes so when someone suddenly grabbed him he yelped in both chock and pain. The person just ignored it and in the next second he was jerked up from the ground and slung over someone’s shoulder. It made him feel like he entire body was on fire but he had no power left to fight against it. The world spun, he felt sick, broken and lost, so when the darkness forced itself on him and he lost consciousness it was almost a relief.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so apparently I'm the biggest liar ever. A promise of a couple of days turned to more than a year. I don't even have a good excuse, I just lost inspiration after the first part. But here it finally is, the end and the comfort part of all this hurt.

Raphael didn’t understand how the Hotel DuMort could feel so empty. He had lived there for years now and even under Camille’s coldest rule it had never felt this empty and _sad_. He wanted to believe that it was because of the knowledge that Valentine was back, but a part of him, a part that he didn’t want to acknowledge, knew it was because Simon was gone. The fledgling had only been with the clan for a short a while but he had somehow managed to worm his way into everyone’s hearts. No. Simon was a traitor. Raphael tried to feel anger towards the boy. He wanted to hate him. To rage at him for going behind Raphael’s back, but instead he only felt worried. Camille was on the loose again, and that put the entire clan at risk.  
  
“Raphael.” Ah, speaking of the devil.

“Stan. Any news?” The tall vampire walked into the room, ready to report.

“We followed her, and we were all starting to wonder if she was going to do anything or not, but yesterday we saw her make contact with some werewolves.”

“What?!” Raphael exclaimed after Stan’s news. “Camille met werewolves? Has anyone spoken to Garroway? Are they his?”

“Lily’s on her way to speak with him now”, Stan said and Raphael nodded.

“Thank you. We’ll have to follow up on this closely. Camille is not someone to make nice with werewolves for no reason, I’m worried about this”

“Yeah, we are too”, Stan answers and Raphael can see that he really is. Camille hadn’t only been a problem for him. Almost the entire clan had either feared or despised her as well.  
  
Stan left again and Raphael sat in silence for more than an hour before Lily returned with news from the NY werewolf pack.

“They weren’t any of Garroway’s wolves, but he thought he knew who they were, he’s had some problem with the pack since taking over, mostly it’s because he’s connected to the Shadowhunters and some have taken offense at that and left. The rules, of course, state that they have to leave New York since it’s Garroway’s territory, but in the chaos surrounding Valentines return they have apparently managed to stay this long without repercussions.”

”And now they’ve allied themselves with Camille?”

”It appears so.” Raphael massaged his temples, trying to wrap his head around all this new information and determinedly not thinking about the fled- the traitor.

“Do you think Simon will be o-“, Lily started.

“He’s not our problem”, Raphael interrupted, perhaps a bit too harshly, but he was having the exact same thoughts as Lily and he didn’t like it. “He made it perfectly clear that he chose the Shadowhunters and therefore he is no longer our concern.” The words were the truth but they still felt wrong in his mouth. A clan always protect their fledglings with vicious determination and to have Simon wandering around with Shadowhunters, cut off from the clan, from his _family_ , was taking a toll on all of them. Even if he _had_ been branded a traitor. Lily understood this as well and gave Raphael a far to knowing and sympathetic look.

“I understand. Should we do anything about this?” She asked then, back to professionalism.

“There’s not much else we can do without more information, but we’ll have continue keeping tabs on Camille. And for God’s sake, please be careful.” With those words Lily left him alone again, and Raphael sank down on a couch, far too tired with the entire world.

 

It was barely two hours left till daybreak when his phone started ringing. It was an unknown number.

“Yes?” He said, unsure about who would call him.

“Ah, Raphael my dear, how are you doing?” The smooth voice almost sent shivers down Raphael’s back.

“Camille”, he sneered, furious from just hearing her voice.

“Don’t sound so put off, I’m calling to hear you say thank you”

“Why would I ever thank you?” Raphael asked in a voice he could just barely push past his teeth.

“I’m doing you a favour. I know you had some trouble with that baby vampire. I’m honestly not surprised, you never could do anything well.” Raphael felt cold all over.

“What about Si- the fledgling?” He asked, perhaps a bit too fast.

“You’ll see, just remember it’s a present from me, a kind of “thanks for taking care of the clan I’ll take it back soon present””

“What are you-“

“RAPHAEL!” The door was thrown open and Lily sped in with a crazed look in her eyes. Camille chuckled from her end of the phone.

“Bye”, was all she said before the line became silent. Raphael didn’t have the time to care, Lily had all his focus.

“The werewolves are coming here”, she began, her voice cracking. Raphael waited for her to continue, because it was obvious it was something else that made her react like this. “They’ve got Simon.” It was like a small part of the world that supported Raphael fell away and he felt completely lost. It was only a moment before he was in control again and could ask instead of panicking.

“What do you mean?” Lily shook her head.

“Just come and see.” That did nothing to calm Raphael down but it certainly made him fast, he was with Lily in front of the hotel in a few seconds and the sight that met him was like a punch in the gut.

 

Nine werewolves were walking towards the hotel, four in human form and five in wolf form, but Raphael could barely focus on anything other than the bloody lump of rags that one of them had slung over his shoulder. They stopped a fair distance away and the body, because it was a body, was thrown to the ground. Raphael showed his teeth and fought every instinct he had, because they were all screaming at him to attack. Kill the useless dogs who had dared to hurt his baby. Protect. Kill. Revenge. Save. Protect. The bonds a clan had to their fledgling was one of the strongest there was and whatever Simon had done to them, it didn’t matter when Raphael saw him like this. Broken.

“Here’s the vamp, give us our money”, one of the dogs suddenly spoke up. The hissing that started up behind Raphael was furious, because the implication from that statement was all too clear.

“What”, Raphael growled, ignoring the upset clan members who were all staring to file out behind him. 

“The bounty was 5000 right? And he’s still alive”, another dog answered.

“Barely”, muttered a third and poked Simon’s limp body with the toe of his boot. The hissing got louder.

“Why would we-“, Raphael started, then it hit him. Camille. She had known. She had known and she had laughed. Rage tore its way through him, and any pretence at Simon being a traitor not worth the clans protection was burned away. Simon might have let Camille go, but he had done it in loyalty to his old family. The clan was his family now. Raphael was his family. And family didn’t abandon their own. Raphael roared, and the clan answered. Then he leaped forward to punish the filthy dogs who had hurt the clan’s fledgling. The fledgling that was _his_ responsibility. The battle was short and bloody, more of a slaughter that a battle really, and soon all that was left was nine dead werewolves and the limp and bloody body of a broken fledgling vampire.

 

Raphael sank to his knees beside him and carefully picked Simon up in his arms. It reminded him way too much of the time he had carried the boy’s dead human body, but this time he didn’t have to take him to some asshole Shadowhnters, instead he could take him inside. Could take him _home_. Raphael didn’t have to give any orders, the rest of the clan was just as upset and enraged as him, and despite what Simon had done they were all willing and desperate to take him back. Whatever grudges they had left was suppressed by the base instinct to _protect_. A few of them stayed to clean up outside the hotel but most of them followed Raphael as close as they could, desperate for some more solid life signs than the weak pulse they all could hear. Raphael was torn between hissing at them to leave him alone with Simon, but at the same time he couldn’t begrudge them the closeness they so obviously craved. At least they hadn’t tried to touch Simon yet. Raphael carried him upstairs and as carefully as he could put him down on a couch.

“Simon? Simon can you hear me?”, Raphael tried to get him to respond but the vampire didn’t even twitch. “I’m so sorry for what happened”, Raphael whispered before he got up and started looking for something to do. Simon needed his wounds tended to and he needed to wake up so he could drink blood. Vampires healed spectacularly well, but only if they were well fed. He started to look over the wounds those dogs had left on Simon and the sight sickened him. The fledgling had broken bones, deep wounds made with sharp teeth, long scratches left from claws and every part of his body that wasn’t bleeding was covered in bruising that got darker by the minute. Raphael barely knew where to start.

 

He had bandaged the worst of the bleeding and a couple of the older members of the clan had helped him straighten out bones when Simon finally stirred. He let out a groan and every vampire in the room stiffened. Raphael kicked back into motion first and was by Simons side barely a second later.

“Simon”, he said in a soft voice and ran a hand through his blood matted hair. “It’s alright, you’re safe now. No one will hurt you anymore”, Simon’s eyes flickered but they didn’t open, instead the boy let out a whimper so full of pain that Raphael could see clan members wincing in the corner of his eye.

“Simon, can you hear me?” Raphael asked again and Simon’s eyes opened to a slit at his gaze just kind of slid over Raphael’s face before he closed his eyes again and sobbed.

“’m sry”, he then gasped. “I didn’t mean to”, the words seemed to wake him up more, but he still didn’t seem fully _there_.

“Simon, listen, it’s alright now. You’re safe now”, Raphael tried to hush him but the only seemed to make him more aggravated and subsequently more awake.

“Not alright! I’m-“, he hiccupped on a sob. “I’m a traitor and now I have no one. I just wanted to help. I wanted to do something to stop Valentine and I thought that was the only way, I wanted to help Jocelyn who has been as a second mother to me but she’s disgusted by med now”, sobs wrecked the already broken fledgling’s body and Raphael could feel his heart breaking for this little vampire. He had only been one of them for a short time before his old family put pressure on him to betray them. How could he blame him for retreating to the ones he knew when his whole world had changed? He didn’t even get the chance to know anyone more the Raphael, and he probably still had the picture of them that Camille painted in his head.

“I’m so so- sorry”, he sobbed again and Raphael though he could hear the sob echoed by some of the others. He could also almost feel the rush of forgiveness through every one of them, their fledgling had come back and had apologised, now they just wanted him to get well.

“Ssh, it’s alright. Simon, we forgive you.” Simon didn’t seem to listen so Raphael placed a hand on either side of his face and turned his head so that he could face him straight on. “Simon, listen, we forgive you and we want you back”, the boy just blinked at him but seemed to calm down a little bit. “You are one of us and this is your home. You have asked for forgiveness and now we forgive you, it’s alright”, Raphael kept his voice low and sincere, Simon needed to understand that he was a part of the clan now, he needed to accept their forgiveness the same way they had accepted his apology.

“Really?”, the broken hope in his eyes felt like a punch.

“Yes, Simon, really. I promise.” New tears welled up and Raphael reached forward and hugged him. He didn’t care that Simon’s tears ruined his suit. All he cared about was that Simon understood that he was home now. That he was forgiven and that he was _loved_. Raphael placed a feather light kiss on his head and started stroking his hair as Simon sobbed and sobbed. The rest of the clan came forward one after one, most of them just stroked Simons head or shoulder, touched him somewhere to show that they were there, they forgave him and welcomed him back. Every small touch seemed to make Simon calm down as the bonds of clan grew stronger. After a while it was just Raphael and Simon left in the room as the clan accepted their need to be alone. Someone had left a bottle of blood and Raphael helped Simon drink it. Then he helped wipe his tear streaked face and looked deep into his eyes.

“Simon, listen to me. You’re home now. You belong here with us, we will protect you. _I_ will protect you”, Simon nodded slowly and then he smiled a small careful smile.

“Thank you”, Raphael smiled back and pressed a soft kiss on Simon's forehead.

“Welcome home”


End file.
